My husband, Pete, and I have been married for over five years. When we got married, we did about the dumbest possible thing we could have. We went on our honeymoon, came back, went back to work for a week, and handed in our two-weeks’ notices. We finished up work, and then moved away to start law school (me) and mba program (Pete). Yep. We got married and then decided to dive into debt. At least we dove together, right?
So the first three years of our marriage were.. less than ideal. Grad school is hard. Really hard. And when you’re BOTH in grad school with no income outside of loans with conflicting schedules and whole new huge circles of friends and similarly-timed social outings that are more-or-less mandatory (networking. eyeroll.)… it makes life hard. Especially that third year when your husband has graduated and moved to Chicago and you’re still a good number of hours by car away trying to finish up your damned three-year degree.
Blah blah blah, two years later we’re both at our first jobs out of grad school without job titles or salaries commensurate with our levels of education and experience. Join the club, yeah? We are doing well. We make enough money to make all loan and house payments. And cable and cell phone. And data. Etc. We’re not where we want to be financially or professionally. Such is life.
Our families know and understand that we’re still getting started. We are SO exceptionally thankful that not once have our parents or grandparents pressured us to have kids. They haven’t ever even brought it up. Not once has there been an allusion to grandkids or if we’re trying or anything. I can’t even tell you how thankful we are for that. We count our blessings every time we hear another friend complaining about the pressure. We remember how lucky we are every time we make it through a big family get-together without any questions.
And then we went and got ourselves a dog.
I told my family immediately about Bonniedog. My brother responded, “Your first child!” and I immediately wrote back, “No, our first pet!” We aren’t the type to treat a pet as a person. She’s not a person. She’s not our kid. We aren’t her parents. We’re her owners and caretakers. She’s our dog. It’s a good relationship; why fuck with it?
Pete took a little longer to tell his family. He can’t text them pictures like I did to mine. He told his sister before she came to visit so she’d be prepared to meet the dog. Her first response was “Um, you know we have an aunt named Bonnie, right?” and Pete said, “What? WE DO? SINCE WHEN?” and then reached through the cell phone and slapped her for being dumb. As I said, we didn’t pick the name. We wouldn’t have picked this name. But it’s her name and that’s how it goes. NBD.
She came to visit and we went out for dinner. At dinner, she informed us with a big evil grin that she’d told their mom about Bonnie. Okay. So much for us being allowed to share our news, but whatever. What’d she say? Sister’s evil grin grew larger and eviler. “Mom said, ‘I want grandchildren, not a puppy!’”
Fuck.
Now, it is to her everlasting awesomeness that Pete’s mom would never, EVER say that to either Pete or me. But now that she’s said it, it’s out there. Our grace period might be over.
Not that I care. I am in no way, shape, or form interested in being a parent any time soon. I will never, ever parent a child that I didn’t fully intend to parent. Kids aren’t happening. Not for at least 2-5 years. On the low end. If the families want kids, they better start looking to our siblings to provide them. And I hope they don’t start asking me about when they can expect baby booties, because I have no polite responses.
10 comments
Lauren
August 30, 2011 at 11:37 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
hahahah I completely feel you with the stress of law school…miserable!!! Good for you guys in following what YOU want to do. I always say the phrase “Such is Life” hahah it is fitting for so many things
Amie
August 30, 2011 at 12:11 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Ha. Works for me.
A.I.
August 30, 2011 at 12:07 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
My husband and I are approaching the two year anniversary and when got our puppy it didn’t ignite baby talk. But we just bought a house and moved in 2 weeks ago. Now I’m hearing a spare/guest/office room isn’t acceptable-it is to be a nursery. I’m a week from graduating, 9 months in to unemployment, and trying to get my “professional life” to manifest. I made the mistake of telling one family member that I was tapering off of my anti-depressants, which also triggered baby talk. My only comment is-we’ll have a baby after we’ve both lost 75 pounds. Seeing as how I GAINED 1.5 pounds last week, it ain’t happenin any time soon.
Amie
August 30, 2011 at 12:14 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Oh, thank GOD nobody’s told me to make a nursery.
I’m not making anyone any promises ever about kids. I’m still not entirely convinced that I’ll EVER want one, much less WHEN I might want one. I’m sort of working through Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs- before I can even THINK about kids or timing or whatever (and, let’s face it: for me, it’ll be adoption) I have to first have professional stability. I need a real job, with benefits and long hours and some sort of promise of lasting. Until then, I can’t even consider the possibility of having kids. Basic threshold requires good job. Sheesh.
And Pete has a whole lot of weight to lose if we’re ever going to be parents. I haven’t told him that part yet. He’s not going to like it.
Fabulously Awkward
August 30, 2011 at 12:59 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Sigh. Why can’t people just mind their own beeswax….hmmm? (and your last response…I’M DYING.)
Amie
August 31, 2011 at 9:20 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Apparently people think it IS their beeswax. Newsflash: it ain’t.
Matt David
August 30, 2011 at 3:17 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Yeah, we get massive family pressure to knock out a few babies. I was hoping for a 5-7 year grace period so I could do cool stuff, like visit obscure parts of the world or whatnot.
Amie
August 31, 2011 at 9:20 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Shit, I haven’t even done the obscure parts of the world visits in my 5 years. I’m doing it wrong!
Lawfrog
September 1, 2011 at 2:54 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment
I spent all of my 20s hearing the kid question. Finally, it tapered off in my early 30s as people started to really believe that I wasn’t ever going to have one (as I had told them all when asked in my 20s). Now that I am 35, I never get this question anymore. People actually believe that I know my own mind. Hey, jerks, I knew my own mind in my 20s too, but whatever.
Anyway, it’s an annoyance. It’s no one’s business if, when, or why you decide to have kids or not and I really wish society would take the question off the “acceptable to hound people about” table.
Amie
September 21, 2011 at 9:56 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment
Agreed so much. It’s not a single person’s business other than mine and my husband’s. Why do people think they have a right to know?